Lettuce Bad For Your Health - Says Government

A new Government backed investigation claims that lettuce can be bad for you. Government scientists have been experimenting with lettuce, at a cost to the tax payer of 4 million pounds, for the past three years, to establish if lettuce could damage a persons health. The results could not be more startling. Of the 48 volunteers used in the research, all of them ended up with serious health problems, resulting in them being hospitalized. The Government is now demanding that all lettuce has a health warning clearly stating the dangers, and that lettuce will no longer be sold to under 18's. A tax will also be imposed on lettuce, in line with tobacco.

However, other scientists claim the research is mis-leading, as some volunteers were fed 8 kilos of lettuce a day, while others had whole lettuce's fired at their heads from a cannon.

An opposition MP, Mr. Philbottom accused the Government of wasting tax payers money, claiming also that some Government Ministers had just invested large amounts of money in cabbage producers. Mr Philbottom said, "Lettuce be absolutely clear about this. This Government is making policies which put money in their pockets, with out any benefit to the people of this country."