Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Swords-R-Us Successfully Sued

The sword manufacturing company, Swords-'R'-Us, have been sued for $3.8M, which could see the company go bankrupt.
Arnold Swashbottom, who bought a machete from Swords-'R'-Us, was standing in his garden when a fly landed on his left arm, without thinking he swatted the fly with the machete, missed it, and cut off his left arm.
In court he claimed there was no information printed with the machete about the dangers of swatting flies. Had he known, he would not have tried to swat the fly with the machete. The court agreed and awarded him damages and costs of $3.8M, which is more than the company makes in a year.
Michael Skythebottom of the Blades-For-All group, wagged his head in rage at the ruling, and said "the ruling was ridiculous and could damage the entire sword manufacturing industry," he went on to say, "I'd be the first person to put my hands up and admit that swords can be dangerous, but I lost both my arms in a sword fighting accident, so I can't."

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

US Warns Against Chinese Build Up

This is a genuine headline. "The pace and scope of China's military build-up already place regional military balances at risk," the 58-page Pentagon report said. Now this report comes from the USA, which have spent over $400 billion on it's military which is almost 7 times the amount China has spent. This report comes from the USA which has declared war on twice as many countries as China has this century.
Now, obviously the people in the USA who write these reports have no idea how hypocritical they are, they also either have no sense of what the rest of the world thinks, or actually they don't care, because for the rest of the world, reports like this are becoming a joke. People used to read these types of reports with astonishment at the hypocrisy in them, now they glance at them as if the headline was, "Elvis Found On Mars," and quickly move on to another story.

Monday, May 22, 2006

"I Was Abducted By Aliens." Claims Alien.

When Albert Norbottom awoke on Sunday morning, he thought he had dreamt that aliens had abducted him. It wasn't until he got out of bed, felt stabbing pains and noticed he had bruises all over his body, that he realized he had been abducted by aliens. Albert, an alien himself, originally from the 3rd planet of the Omega solar system, suddenly had flash backs of the terrifying ordeal he suffered during the night. He remembered being strapped down in a transparent room, where aliens performed painful and intrusive tests on him.
His claim has been disputed though. His neighbours said they saw his ex-wife leaving his house in the early hours of the morning, carrying a baseball bat.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

"My Dog Told Me To Do it." Says George Bush.

George Bush has admitted that his statement that God told him to invade Iraq, was simply not true. He rebuffed the claims and criticized the press for mis-quoting him. He went on to say that it was actually his dog that told him to invade Iraq. He said, "My dogs often give me good advice. They both have a very good understanding of foreign affairs and I often confer with them before making important decisions. You know, people have mis-quoted me, mis-understood me, mis-underestimated me and mis-undermined me, but my dogs never do this. I may even consider officially giving them jobs as my advisors."
George Bush then finished the interview, as he didn't have a piece of paper in front of him telling him what to say next.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Life Better, When You Are Dead - Study Reveals.

In an extensive study of the quality of life among living people and dead people, dead people were found to be generally better off. The mundane day to day activities involved with being alive, such as working, paying bills, doing the washing up and cutting the grass, weren't applicable to dead people, who have much more free time to enjoy life.
Maria Cristalbottom, who died over 70 years ago, said she had never looked back, "Since dying, I've found life much more enjoyable. I'm no longer restricted by the constraints that living people have and can spend my time in way I want to, rather than how society dictates." However, she did reveal that there are pros and cons. In particular, the fact that she can't turn on the television, and can only watch it when living people are watching, she went on, "Some dead people can manipulate physical matter, and turn things on or move objects. This is quite rare and unfortunately I don't have that ability."
Judy Plancbottom, a pro-life campaigner, dismissed the study as ridiculous. She failed to reveal why, because she had to leave the interview early. Her employers phoned up asking why she wasn't at work, then a debt collector rang the doorbell, and just as she was answering her door, her washing machine blew up, sending a ball of fire out of her kitchen window, which then set alight to her shed, causing her lawn mower to explode.

Dead Body Found In Cemetery.

Last night a dead body was found in an East Grinstead Cemetery by a man walking his dog. "It's thought the body has been dead for some years," a police spokesman said, "there was also a large stone near the body with the words 'Harry Bullbottom, RIP, 1902 - 1991' which may be a clue to the identity of the body."
Mr. Flackbottom, the man who discovered the body, is being treated for shock. "I'm shocked." said Mr. Flackbottom. "It's not the sort of place you expect to find a dead body."

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

"Bush Knew of 9/11 Attacks," Claims Conspiracy Theorist.

Martin Prebottom, the renowned conspiracy theorist, has claimed he has evidence that George Bush knew about the attacks on 11th September before they happened. Prebottom has so far refused to reveal the evidence, putting into question his theory, but he did make a few points. He claimed the attack was the perfect excuse for Bush to declare war on Iraq, something Bush had been wanting to do for some time. He also pointed out Bush's reaction when told of the attack. George Bush was reading a book to school children at the time, and after being told of the attack, continued reading for some time. Prebottom claims that this shows George Bush was not surprised by the news. He said, "people the world over stopped what they were doing, to follow the events, yet George Bush continued reading to school children. Everyone who didn't know the attack was going to happen, reacted in a normal way. Bush certainly didn't, he reacted almost as if he was expecting it."
Observers have noted that until Prebottom reveals evidence of his theory, it will simply remain a theory. Martin Prebottom has been known to be wrong. Especially after his claim that Prince Charles was the illegitimate son of an alien.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Iraq Finally Gets New President. 10th May, 2046

Finally after 43 years of war, the Iraqi Government have reached an agreement on who should be the new President. Mamouad Ali Mac Muhumid Ali Mujaharri Melimy, will officially become the President tomorrow. Unfortunately elections are now due, so his Presidency may last only a short period of time, depending on how the votes go.
The two remaining civilians alive in Iraq will cast their vote next week. It's thought the vote could be close, and a recount may be necerssary if there is no clear majority. Mamouad Ali Mac Muhumid Ali Mujaharri Melimy, is the favourite to win though, as he is the only living politician left in Iraq. All others have been assassinated.

Old Age Bad For Your Health, Says Government

The Government issued a new health warning today. After a five year study of the effects of old age, they found that getting old can cause a multitude of health problems, eventually leading to death. The study, costing £17 million, listed a whole series of illnesses, including heart attacks, senile dementia, parkinsons disease and strokes. All the patients involved in the study have now died.
Dr. Guntherbottom, who headed the study, warned that people should think carefully before considering old age, avoiding it if possible. He stated, "people aren't aware of the dangers involved with old age, and this study shows a clear link between old age and serious health problems. We're hoping that now we have scientific evidence of this link, the Government will begin a high profile campaign to make sure the general population know the consequences of old age.
Dr. Guntherbottom will be beginning a new study next year, looking into the effects of hitting yourself over the head with a hammer for prolonged periods of time.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Opinion: Pro-Life Hypocrisy

Here's something I find very difficult to understand.
There are pro-life supporters who believe that abortion should not be allowed. They believe that everyone should be kept alive, whatever terminal illness they have, however much pain they may be in and however bad their quality of life is. There are people that believe all this, yet support the death penalty, support the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and believe the nuclear option should be kept on the table with regards to Iran.
How can these beliefs sit so comfortably together?
Let me take George Bush as a high profile example. This isn't Bush bashing. He's the perfect example because we know what his beliefs are. George Bush is pro-life, yet he supports the death penalty. George Bush is anti-abortion, yet his decisions in Iraq and Afghanistan have caused the deaths of thousands of innocent people, including children. He believes in the sanctity of human life, yet is not willing to remove the option of a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Iran. Nuclear weapons are not tactical, they don't discriminate between good people and bad people. Nuclear weapons destroy all life in it's path, the lucky ones instantly, the unlucky ones slowly and painfully.
Everyone should be free to believe what they want to. I just don't understand how these contradictory beliefs can sit so comfortably in a persons conscience. Not all pro-life supporters are in favour of the death penalty, support the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and support nuclear weapons. I have no problem with these people, and respect their beliefs. Personally I have different beliefs. It's the people who can believe in life so strongly, yet in the same breath, support death.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Tensions Grow Over Welsh Border Dispute


More troops are being sent to the Welsh border, from Britain and Wales, after tensions grew over the disputed land between Gwent in Wales and Glousestershire in England. The Welsh Assembly has demanded that Britain re-draw the border, claiming that during the 17th century, Britain land grabbed part of Wales when they updated border maps. The area in question is of particular interest to the welsh, as it has fertile land, ideal for rearing sheep.
The Welsh assembly has banned any one from traveling across the Welsh border without a passport. They are also considering declaring independence from Great Britain, a move which Britain is unlikely to accept. There have been some skirmishes between the British and Welsh armed forces, but both sides are urging restraint. The UN are convening a meeting to discuss ways of getting both sides to the table, to try and diffuse the tension. Although the US ambassador declined the invitation saying, "Britain's internal affairs are decided by Britain and Britain alone. Besides, Wales doesn't have any oil, so we really don't care."

Severe Weather Warning Issued

A severe weather warning has been issued to anyone thinking of traveling to Jupiter. Strong winds of over 400 mph are predicted for the next 12 million years, so a good quality windproof jacket is advised. With temperatures of below -100 degrees centergrade on the surface, warm clothing is also recommended, although if you are planning on traveling further into the gas giant, where temperatures can reach 20,000 degrees centergrade, lighter clothes may be more appropriate.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Lettuce Bad For Your Health - Says Government

A new Government backed investigation claims that lettuce can be bad for you. Government scientists have been experimenting with lettuce, at a cost to the tax payer of 4 million pounds, for the past three years, to establish if lettuce could damage a persons health. The results could not be more startling. Of the 48 volunteers used in the research, all of them ended up with serious health problems, resulting in them being hospitalized. The Government is now demanding that all lettuce has a health warning clearly stating the dangers, and that lettuce will no longer be sold to under 18's. A tax will also be imposed on lettuce, in line with tobacco.
However, other scientists claim the research is mis-leading, as some volunteers were fed 8 kilos of lettuce a day, while others had whole lettuce's fired at their heads from a cannon.
An opposition MP, Mr. Philbottom accused the Government of wasting tax payers money, claiming also that some Government Ministers had just invested large amounts of money in cabbage producers. Mr Philbottom said, "Lettuce be absolutely clear about this. This Government is making policies which put money in their pockets, with out any benefit to the people of this country."

63 Year Old Woman Gives Birth to 42 Year Old Man

Sarah Filletbottom, the 63 year old woman who became pregnant through IVF treatment, gave birth today to a son, aged 42. Weighing in at 11 stone, with a bald patch, a suit and a national insurance number, the 42 year old new born cleaned himself up and went to the pub, telling his mother not to bother "waiting up for me, as I've got 42 years of drinking to make up for."
Mrs. Filletbottom was said to be over the moon, and is now planning more IVF treatment, so she can give birth to a 38 year old millionaire, called Frank.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Branston Local News 4th April 2006

Today in Branston, Lincolnshire, a boy aged 6, dropped a sweet rapper along Silver Street. An eagle eyed resident spotted this despicable act and immediately called the police. An armed response unit arrived in days and arrested the boy without a single shot being fired. The boy was later charged under the anti-terror laws, which give police new powers to arrest and lock up, indefinitely, anyone who they feel may be a threat to national security, or in fact, may not be a threat to national security, but just someone they don't particularly like, or because they are bored.
In other news from Branston, two bees collided. Neither was seriously injured, and after shaking wings, decided not to press charges.

Morning Has Broken

The UN has called for an emergency meeting to discuss the implications of the breaking of this morning. Jack Straw accused Iran of having a hand in this unprecedented phenomenom, while George Bush, the President of the most powerful country in the world, was unavailable for comment. A Whitehouse spokeswoman said he was reading a book about fluffy bunny rabbits to his two poodles. Tony Blair was also present.

It's not yet known whether this morning can be fixed, and if tomorrow morning will also be broken. Engineers are being sent out to determine the extent of the damage, and to establish if any repairs are possible. Mr. Flinchbottom, a scientist in morningology, said "It's unlikley that we will be able to repair this morning, because it's now lunchtime. Meaning that morning has now passed, and therefore no longer exists. It's very difficult to repair something that no longer exists, you see?"

Charles Clark criticized Over Knee Jerk Reaction

Charles Clark informed the commons today that anyone sentenced to time in prison will be considered for deportation, including British nationals. Asked where he would deport British nationals to, he replied, "Britain, of course."
Pressed on this issue further, he then stated that all British nationals to be deported, would be placed on a boat which would sail around the UK coast line and then return them to Britain. This in effect, would be deportation.
The sanity of Charles Clark is now being questioned, although some have been questioning his sanity for years now, especially since a speech he made to a woman's Institute in Dagenham, where he claimed he was the offspring of a frog. Which explains the ears.
Tony Blair is still giving Clark his full support, as he did with Peter Mandelson, David Blunkett, and all those other MP's who have had to resign.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Fire Fighters Threaten Strike Action

It was revealed today that fire fighters may strike across the UK for an indefinite amount of time. Fire unions are claiming that one of their workers, a Mrs. Slouchbottom, who makes tea and coffee between 10:00 - 10:30 in the morning at Spittal Street fire station in Lincolnshire, was unfairly dismmissed. Mrs. Slouchbottom, who celebrated her 98th birthday only last week, is said to be devastated, and is now considering taking early retirement.
Lincoln council, who terminated Mrs. Slouchbottom's employment, claimed that she could no longer carry out her duties, because she was almost deaf, could hardly see and her memory span was only 30 seconds long. Fire unions have dismissed this claim as petty and ageist.
In an interview later on Mrs. Slouchbottom said she supported the strike but couldn't remember why they were striking. The interview was then terminated because Mrs. Slouchbottom fell asleep.

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